how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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