dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
