yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
