JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
