Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
