If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
