a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
