Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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