forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
