well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
