M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
They are going to name an STD after you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
