i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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