he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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