operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
