If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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