This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
