Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
