Yo dont text me then not text me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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