took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
