My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
