If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
