We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
