finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
