found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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