They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize