My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
