I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
