3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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