I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize