i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
