There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
