in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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