last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
