I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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