I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
