So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
