you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
