apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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