All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize