Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
