I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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