paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
