Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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