I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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