remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
