My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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