she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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