My liver just broke up with me...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
