what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
