i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
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