I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
