i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
