Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
