guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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