u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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