I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
