recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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