I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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